During practicum last Thursday, we talked about grace and why people might not understand it or like it. I said, "Grace is hard to trust," because it is. People are fickle, and the things that they offer out of "grace" often have a price tag attached. If people do that, then well, what if God does too? Being honest about that opened this chasm in me, and I realized that this issue I thought I'd put to rest was actually eating away at my insides, and that I was harboring some serious anger towards God about it. And then immediately after this realization, something happened that made it so much worse.
Cryptic, no? What I mean is, this weekend was an emotional upheaval for me, but it was good. I don't know why this weekend was different, but I finally reached a point where I wanted to bring God into the conversation. I wanted to risk trusting Him, to see what He had to say. Which meant reading my Bible, something I haven't done outside of school assignments in like, probably five months.
I knew I wanted to read Hebrews, and I opened to chapter 12. The heading was "God Disciplines His Sons" and I emotionally recoiled, because aw hell no, I don't want to read about discipline, this is exactly what scares me, WRONG PAGE. But I felt like I ought to give it a try, and then I immediately cried because it was perfect.
It's yeah, about discipline, and says to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles," which is awful because I like being distracted and sitting in my own desires, but then it said, "fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith...consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
In counseling we're learning how the majority of our job is to reflect back emotions, to let our clients feel heard and understood. "weary and lose heart." WELL. That certainly reflects my emotions. And then it does a discussion on discipline being out of love, which is nice, but what hit me hard again was "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed."
Lovely, right? And that wasn't it. I tend to dislike the epistles because they are instructional, and that's not how my brain works. So of course my OT History class had an assignment on 1 Kings 19, discussing Elijah's struggle with depression and God's reaction to it. AND WOW. It's like, so encouraging, and since it is a story, my brain latched on, merging the instructions with the narrative and everything clicked.
Because the thing is, Elijah is in full-on stupid-pants depression. He's just seen God do amazing things, but he doesn't trust that it will continue. Weary of struggling, he lays down under a tree to die. Which, come on, stupid Elijah! You're weary of seeing God do amazing things? I have no experience like this. We are soulmates. But then God sends an angel to feed Elijah and lead him through the desert. For 40 days, God cares for Elijah, no confrontations, no guilt trips.
At the end of this journey, Elijah is on Mount Horeb. Finally God speaks, but like a good counselor, He doesn't tell Elijah his problem; instead He asks for Elijah's experience. And Elijah is still stupid, focusing on all the bad stuff and ignoring everything good. So God says, "I'm going to meet with you." He comes in a whisper, because God is gentle. And after a ministry of presence with Elijah instead of a ministry of proclamation, God once again asks Elijah for his story.
This is the part that gets to me. After all this wonderful care, after SEEING GOD, Elijah tells the same sad-sack story. Nothing changed for him! HALLELUJAH the Bible is full of real people. And STILL, God doesn't get upset. Instead, He gives Elijah a new purpose, and He hears Elijah's complaint about being alone. He gives Elijah an attendant in Elisha, and just as icing on the cake, because there's no reason to do this, God tells Elijah that there are 7,000 other people who worship God. Elijah's not alone. So off Elijah goes, back into life, bolstered by God's spiritual care and His very real concession to Elijah's weakness. Most of the time prophets replace each other, but here Elijah and Elisha work together for awhile, because Elijah needed it. That is...so sweet.
So together, Hebrews 12 and 1 Kings 19 reminded me that God is gentle and loving. He does have a plan for us, and He wants us to be holy and to serve Him, but when we fail, He doesn't freak out. He gives us time, He meets us where we are, and He strengthens our feeble arms and weak knees so that we can once more follow Him.
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