Warning: There are two mild curse words later in this post.
When I visited Jennie a few weeks ago, we talked a lot about motherhood and dealing with kids. What made this conversation special was that she consistently said, "whether you have kids biologically or adopt them" throughout every example.
This is a perfect display of Friendship: You're Doing it Right.
Jennie knows I want to adopt, and she included my desires and passions into her conversation. That is consideration. But more than simple friendship, I am struck by the idea that this is what being a "good person" is all about. This is the desired end result of political correctness. This is how people can overcome racism and sexism and ageism and all the other -isms dirtying our world.
It's not even that hard: think of others first. Put yourself in someone else's head, and take their feelings into account.
I read a great quote on tumblr (the site that is, for me, all about geekery and social justice) that says something like this: A remark is exactly as offensive as the person being offended says it is.
Brilliant. That makes any privileged assumption that "they shouldn't be offended by that!" completely ridiculous. We don't control what offends other people. We only control whether or not we continue to offend them.
There's a movement where certain words are reappropriated by the people who used to be demeaned by them (I'm thinking specifically of African Americans using the n-word and women using the b-word). And that's fine. They are re-defining whether or not a word is hurtful or not. Sometimes other people then think that they are allowed to use those words without complaint. And that's simply not true. It's like the old saying about "I can insult my family, but you'd better not." If a woman calls her friends bitches in jest, then gets offended when a man calls her a bitch, she has every right to do so.
Confusing? Potentially. But that's the other thing I learned from my conversation with Jennie. She knows me. There's a very good chance she wouldn't have peppered her thoughts with adoption clauses if she hadn't been talking to me. But she was, so she did.
The only way we can guarantee being compassionate and loving to everyone is to get to know everyone. Learn what makes certain groups of people, and certain individuals, uncomfortable. And then don't do or say those things. Inevitably we all say offensive things to each other, but the key is to ask forgiveness and then change, or to tell someone when you are offended. Only with honesty and a ready forgiveness can we deal with issues of stereotypes and prejudice.
Thus endeth my soap box.
Wow! Thanks! I think it's remarkable that just by including your interests into our conversation that conversation had a greater impact on you. My addition of adoption to my conversations has increased drastically over the last few years and through a lot of experience. I know many people who have adopted for many different reasons, and it is so important to me not to leave out those people and their children in my conversations. Not trying to pat myself on the back in the least because it has taken offending people for me to learn this lesson. I think that you hit the nail on the head with the "honesty and a ready forgiveness" statement because without those I wouldn't be as sensitive to this issue. BTW, Hannah says she's never having babies because she doesn't want stitches. I'm helping her to understand that that's not the only method of getting babies. :)
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