Whenever I'm with a group of single women, there is an 80% chance that the conversation will meander towards a discussion of the fears we have surrounding marriage--giving up freedom, trusting that intimacy will stay despite personal growth and/or change, etc. And twice this has happened.
Me: Marriage is scary! I just haven't found a guy who I like and respect enough to let go of the fear and start trusting.
Friend: That's not true. You've loved guys that deeply before. They just didn't love you back.
Me: ...
I'll be real, I can only barely tolerate that level of honesty. I have been pissed about this conversation for months, and I'm only starting to process what that means.
Why does that reminder--they just didn't love you back--make me so angry? Well, obviously because it touches on rejection and unworthiness and all those horrible feelings. It feels like it is a break of the friendship code, where you don't, you know, shove your friend's face in all their insecurities. But on a deeper level, that statement angered me because it took away my control. When I narrate my singleness, I give myself the power, telling people I haven't found the right guy, I'm not willing to give up freedom. I am the person keeping me single. It's my choice. But when my friend called me on this, I was suddenly stripped of even that. Not only do I not have a person who has committed to loving and supporting me through life, I'm not even responsible for this lack. My last shred of dignity, taken away.
The introspection doesn't end there! Again, months after this conversation, I am only beginning to shift the way I frame my singleness. If it's not my choice, then what? I mean, it would be easy to sink into all the things I'm avoiding (rejection, unworthiness, etc), but there's another side. If I'm not choosing to be single, then that means--I'm open to love. I do give my heart away. I practice vulnerability. I risk my affections, and I'm willing to gamble on romance.
I have to give up the illusion that I'm in control of my singleness, and that hurts. But I get to give up the illusion that I'm a cold-hearted bastard. Giving that up is a bit scary, of course, since a cold heart isn't broken so easily. But it also means all that therapy nonsense where I worried I couldn't feel and that I lived in hopelessness was, well, nonsense. I do nothing but feel and hope.
That's my new narrative. I'm ready to love and be loved. So far those halves of the sentence are not synchronized, since I'm not interested in being loved by those who confess it, and the guys I love similarly dismiss me. But I'm not broken, I'm not shut down, I'm not hard. I'm ready for marriage, and when the day comes that the guy I love says, "hey, me too," I don't think it will be difficult to take the next step.
Unless he's allergic to cats. Then there's gonna be a problem.
Trish...I commented on this post several days ago and then decided not to post it, afraid I would offend you and realizing that this is none of my business anyway. But here I am back again, and if you get this one, it means I decided to post.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine how you felt when you got the comment "they just didn't love you back". I can understand how this can take away your sense of being in control, that you were the one deciding on the relationship. I suspect you drew some comfort from that line of thought, that your singleness was your choice, not someone else. You are too hard on yourself. You are a very intelligent lady, and most men are secretly scared of intelligent ladies. You are very attractive, and again, most men deep down inside are afraid of beautiful women. I am not surprised that some men may not have loved you back. I think they wanted to love you back but their fears got the best of them. I really don't believe that your singleness was your choice, I think it was theirs.
If you want to be loved by a man, cherished by a man, just relax, go with the flow and let God be in control. Your knight in shining armor (boy does that expression show my age) is out there and one of these days you will meet, things will click, you will feel good about yourself, your self esteem will be high and he will key off of your feeling about yourself and love you forever. Be patient dear heart!
I hope he likes cats too.