Hello, Mojo, I Missed You

Going back to school is a guaranteed rush of TOO MANY THOUGHTS.  There are classes to prepare for, relationships to renew, and the thing about studying theology and counseling is that those topics sink into real life situations and stick with you.  It's a bit of an overload, honestly, which is why I haven't been blogging.  I can't blog until I've got a handle on whatever I want to talk about, even if the words themselves flow out without censorship.

The thing about this semester, I think, is that I'm finally taking charge.  In my introversion studies, I learned that introverts can be just as a) outgoing and b) assertive as anyone, only they need to feel a) safe and b) comfortable in order to do so.  Can I get an amen?  Apparently after a year in a new city studying a new subject with new friends, I feel safe and comfortable!

On the social side, I'm a bit flabbergasted, because when did I accumulate so many friends?  It's lovely, but a little unwieldy, because whereas before I had a friend in this class and a friend in that class, now we are all together and it's hard to juggle them all.  But lovely, too, because obviously.  Twice a week I'm at school throughout lunch, and my normal habit is to eat on the stone patio behind the library where nobody goes, then hang out in the library proper and get some schoolwork done before my next class.  But I keep being thwarted by people who assume I want to be social!  This pisses me off momentarily, because I need to regroup and recharge, but it's nice to catch up with people.

On the academic side, I am killing it.  Over the summer I fully owned the fact that I do in fact want to study counseling, and landed solidly on the fact that this is a career I want to devote the next however-many years of my life to mastering.  What a difference (plus, see above, comfort, safety).

My angelology class has a group presentation (isn't seminary where we avoid contact with other students, gross, eurgh, yuck) and I was feeling assertive the day we gathered, so I volunteered to be the chairperson.  It is so fun!  Although last night I realized the danger of leading a bunch of people studying to be leaders, because a guy emailed me a list of extremely detailed notes which "might be useful" to me in leading our meeting today.  Back up off me, boy!  Really, he was a man in his 40s, and when we met and I incorporated some of his ideas, but not all of them, everyone meshed really well and anyway, I'm just saying I'm really enjoying being the chairperson. 

Dr. Barnes emailed the MABC students saying he is researching "Individual Sexuality and the Church" for his sabbatical, and was anyone interested in helping?  I'm not sure how emphatically I can say, "SIR THAT IS MY PASSION" but I emailed back my interest, however, what was the time commitment, etc.  What I got back was an invitation to his house on Sunday where the team would get together to discuss details and also cookout and don't forget to bring your swimsuit!  What?  No!  Swimming at my professor's house?  That is utterly terrifying, but I said yes, because while ambition is a foreign concept to me, I realize networking is like, a pretty good idea.

And finally, practicum I!  Dr. Dickens is the best, because as an introvert, he knows springing surprises is the worst for our little terrified brains, so he told us we wouldn't be getting into the Ring of Fire to practice counseling until the third week of classes.  Which was this week!  "It's kiddie pool stuff," he said.  "I'll be the client, and I promise, even if you trip and fall, the water is so shallow you can't drown."  "What if we fall on our faces?" someone asked.  "I'll turn you over," he promised.

I was antsy to get this over with, because during the first class, Dr. Dickens said, "It will be hard to be the client, but we're all screwed up and that's not going to surprise anyone.  It will be infinitely harder to be the counselor.  You've invested a lot of money in this program, and this is something you're pretty passionate about, pretty sure you want to do for the rest of your life.  What if you stink at it?"  Yes yes, so the best way out is through, and I was going to volunteer to go first, but the other antsy kid beat me to it.  Thank goodness, because he sat down and Dr. Dickens said, "What do you want to know about me?" and the poor guy just sat there wide-eyed for fifteen seconds of silence.  All this studying how to be empathetic and model emotions, and NO ONE EVER TOLD US HOW TO START A CONVERSATION.  Terrifying.

Ten minutes later, I jumped at the chance to tag team, and yes, utter terror.  "What strengths to you do--do you bring to the, ahem, counseling staff?" I continued, horrified at my inability to speak English.  But then he was off, and the conversation turned interesting, and the more I focused on him the less I thought about the twelve students staring at us.  I think I looked empathetic, and I enjoyed learning about him, and I realized that counseling is HARD, because people don't say what you expect them to say, so you've got to be mentally agile and constantly map out where you want the conversation to go, but no, okay, maybe we'll go there instead.  After my time was up, he gave me a high five, which was either pity or encouragement, and I'll take them both.

LOOK AT ME.  Bossin' it up, being all sure I'll do that, and oh yeah, one of my friends asked me to be her sponsor while she goes through Steps, and WHAT.  I'm like, all doing stuff I've been talking about, but only talking, and now I'm doing.  It's crazy.  Three weeks.  Suddenly I'm a leader and proactive and passionate, and it feels like I've got my mojo back.