Can't

I've spent the last five months falling in love with counseling, figuring out areas I might want to pursue, talking with students at various points along discovering where God is calling them to serve.  Today four women came to talk to my class about their experiences with abortion and the post-abortive ministry they participated in.  It was absolutely wonderful, and I left the class full of emotion.

But like, weird emotion.  I didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but I knew it was big.  I flickered through some thoughts, and eventually "I can't do this," passed through my mind.  Immediately I burst into ugly sobs.  Because I'm studying, you know, brain processing and stuff, I intuited that perhaps I had struck something important.

Because that's the thing.  I can't do it.  Who am I to enter into intimate relationships with strangers, to walk beside people through their darkest moments and deepest fears, to offer help and love, to facilitate change?  I CAN'T DO THAT.  I'm not overly compassionate.  My middle class white girl problems don't hold a candle to the struggles so many people endure.  I cannot understand what everyone has gone through, I cannot find the words to bring someone into peace and transformation.  I can't do it.

Even as I was crying in the car, fully aware of my limitations, I was so happy.  I knew this was good.  A couple weeks ago this guy encouraged us in chapel.  "Ask God for a dream that is too big for you," he said.  "Because then when you accomplish it, there will be no doubt in your mind or in the world's eyes that it was God who acted, and not you."

So there it is.  I know I can't be a counselor.  The idea of being some kind of authority figure to the hurting men and women of the world makes me want to throw up.  I don't know what people go through, but God does.  I don't know how to love people, but Jesus does.  I don't know how to transform people, but the Holy Spirit does.

I can't do this.  But God can, and He will enable me.  And that's pretty awesome.